Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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