Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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