I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
