my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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