the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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