life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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