look no pants
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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