So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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