there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
