My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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