i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
