I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
