so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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