Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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