my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
