Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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