when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
