I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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