omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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