i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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