I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
