So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
