I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
