hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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