I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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