Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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