Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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