my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
