bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
