i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
