There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
