You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
