just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
