Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
