I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
