never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want to make out with him forever
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
