I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
