eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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