hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
