I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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