I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
please come you make the beer taste better
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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