Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
