No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
