The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
