Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
