i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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