Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am available for nakedness
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
