My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
They have beer where we have blood.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
