Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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