we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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