I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
