Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My vagina is officially offended.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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