If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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