i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
