Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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