You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize